you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
