I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
