I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
