Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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