Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
