Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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