The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Still dying that you shit outside
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
