a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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