Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i drank out of a bidet.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
