It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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