I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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