I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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