i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
