Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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