More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I have post one night stand depression
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
