Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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