I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
