Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
