Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
