you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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