Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
