My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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