***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
