If that was your dad, he is hot
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am available for nakedness
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
