I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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