dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
