GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Semen is not good for contacts.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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