Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
