I need to stop coming to work sober
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
