I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
