I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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