I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
