oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
