hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Randomize
