i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
