Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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