Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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