Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
