i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
