I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
