on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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