Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
