garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
