i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
