you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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