She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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