i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
