Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
