I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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