Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
