This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
the liver wants what the liver wants
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
