hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
