Do you still have your period?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
